Reimagining Precautionary Safety
Reimagining Precautionary Safety
Robert Gao
Could you imagine having Sean “P. Diddy” Love Combs as your next-door neighbor?
Neither can I. But in an ideal world—one that only knows whimsy and the American Dream—this want transcends mere imagination. In this world, I am a poet-physician, returning every day from a little hospital on the Chicago River to a wonderful suburban home—white-picket fence, beautiful family, landscaped magnolias and all—with, yes, P. Diddy living and breathing next-door, five steps away, within crawling distance.
Indeed, the genius of this decision may not strike readers immediately, and so let me explicate its guts into granular pieces. Due to Combs’ involvement with numerous horrific scandals, including freak-offs and so-called “Diddy Parties” (functions that involve highly prevalent sexual innuendos and numerous cartridges of baby oil), the oiled elephant in the room suggests this decision as undyingly blasphemous and reckless.
And to that elephant’s point, it certainly reeks of unintelligent impulsion. With a family to take care of and their safeties to cradle close, it seems that the reality of Puff Daddy as my next-door neighbor only places my beloved children and myself in the red-hot target of Diddy Party scouters.
So, readers—as I have evaluated all disapproving perspectives that paint me as a decrepit, stupid man—I invite you now to diddle me this.
There exists a maxim in ancient Cantonese that discusses suppressing the entities of evil by holding them close. Concentrated, their noxious venoms can only invade into the most vulnerable zones from one side.
Consider the example of a critical army base and an opposing enemy force. By strategically positioning the base in which enemies can only enter from one location, the fortifying process is essentially complete. Load one side with the kingdom’s greatest archers, cannoneers, and cavalry, and kings, queens, and lords may sleep soundly every night.
(The Great Wall of China, a great wall located in Beijing, China, is an apt illustration of this maxim).
I am sure you are able to estimate the logical continuation. With P. Diddy, baby oil containers, and Diddy Parties all congregated into one small zone, protection from these evil spirits only calls for a one-sided fortification. Taking inspiration from my own personality as deeply imaginative, protective, and humble, I look to safeguard my beautiful family from these malicious entities—investing six figures into military personnel, state-of-the-art artillery, and a locally sourced police force on 24/7 standby.
As news articles surrounding Sean Daddy continue to surface—regarding convictions, regarding new crimes, regarding the impossible and grotesque exuberance of oil parties—I will continue to live well in my strategical abode. Every night, I look to tuck my children into bed, read Murakami and Doystoyevksy alongside ginger tea and crackers, and partake in warm baths with basalts, charcuterie boards, and legendary streamer Fitxfearless on a mounted monitor.
Carpe diem.
I’m looking to expand this piece for potential publication. Any advice is appreciated—narrative choices, plot decisions, or merely syntax and grammatical suggestions. Thank you!
Robert:
ReplyDeleteA truly enthralling take on the genre of personal essay, taking the reader from an absurd choice to a complete and logical explanation of that choice, without a shortage of imagery, descriptive details, and plot. Sean Combs and ancient China certainly do not exhibit any immediate connections, but your writing takes great care to illustrate the defensive advantages--which you then use as a window into protecting your future family.
I would be interested in seeing a continuation of this hypothetical scenario, as the ending leaves the reader with a few lingering questions. Then again, that may be the design of the essay. What would happen if one of these "Diddlers" did make it past your six-figure defense and into the comforts of your own home? What if Sean Combs bought the other house adjacent to yours, mounting an attack on both sides of your wall?
While this does somewhat erode the explanatory power of the ancient Cantonese proverb, an exploration of these hypothetical scenarios would be both humorous and perhaps provide further insight into your personal character as the stakes are raised.
Dear Dr Gao, I appreciate the effort put into the post. But diddle me this. What if Sean Combs just sneaked around your defenses. He went to another side of your house, bypassing the thousands of dollars of fortifications. Surely you would be more safe thousands of miles away, say in the great Bay Area (A location you have plenty of expertise in). While I appreciate the level of detail and careful consideration put into all other aspects of your life (the bath descriptions and FitxFearless), to say that the "ideal" neighbor to have is Mr. Combs is both ridiculous and ill-conceived. Amusing read, dangerous idea.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of having P.Diddy living next door in your blog. I think it could be brought to a broader context of how released criminals or people like that reinstated in society. You use the maxim as your idea of public safety, but if the idea of your essay is reimagining precautionary safety you may want to elaborate more on it besides the "military personnel, state-of-the-art artillery, and a locally sourced police force on 24/7 standby". I thought your solution to the problem (?) of having P.Diddy live next door could have been added too because I think the only sentence was the idea of spending six figures on safety for the quote above.
ReplyDeleteVery entertaining personal essay Robert! This is a crazy take. I know you try to explain why having Diddy as you neighbor is a good idea, but I don't see it. You say that being Diddy's neighbor will put a "red-hot target" on you and your family. Then you go into ways you would protect yourself from Diddy--building a one sided defense. My question for you is why not avoid having to do that. Why don't you live in New York or Florida? Another question that arises is, what if Diddy finds another way into your house? Maybe he will dress up as Fitxfearless and you will foolishly let him enter your home.
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